Please Pass the Vegan Cigarettes

Cigarettes are one of the last remaining social icons in our terribly individualistic society. Deep in your heart, you know this. Wall Street knows this, too.

Think about it: who goes outside to socialize in groups, winter and summer, rain, snow, sleet (maybe not hail)... the smokers. In an age where we are increasingly suspicious of the common ground between people, smoking remains a flaming light of egalitarian optimism.

"But," you say, "smoking causes all sorts of bad things!!!"

True. But recently, something amazing was discovered:

It seems that Polonium is the only proven mutagen in cigarettes ... and where do we get it from? Phosphate fertilizers! Because we mine the phosphate ore, and the ore is in underground deposits... and in comes the Polonium.

"So what?" you say.

Well my friends, here is the answer: Vegan Cigarettes!

Not just vegetarian, these will be fertilized 100% naturally... low yields, just like all the decent farmland they waste on organic food, but that's not so bad, is it? Next time you and your friends, be they granola-buddies or decent, honest people, want to go strike a light for freedom and society, do it the healthier way, with vegan cigarettes.